Good heavens, my children.
I’ve been away from you for so long.
I promise you. Dolly will never go away (for that long) again.
A LOT has been going on.
I got to do a web series, a film and world premiere musical of an Aristophanes comedy…
Oh, and I got a cat. Well, the cat became a permanent fixture in the house.
It has been a while since I’ve done this, and I missed out on a great deal of head shaking, cringe-inducing stupid.
But true to form, people keep churning it out! Like, sausage. YUM.
So, please welcome this week’s final four for:
DUMBASS OF THE WEEEEEEEEK!!
In fourth place, Bryan Fischer.
It’s gotten to the point where I just roll my eyes whenever I hear his name. This dang near gave me a seizure.
He’s assuming a great deal at this point about what the founding fathers had in mind when they said freedom of religion.
Here’s the thing, though. It’s not really up for interpretation. When they say freedom of religion, they didn’t mean just your church.
Or just your denomination or even JUST YOUR BELIEFS.
Are you seriously suggesting that in a room full of men from all points of a still developing country, they all had the exact same theological bent? Really?
Oh Bryan, you’re the reason mommy drinks.
In third place, it’s a tie between the Lincoln School of Science & Technology in Canon City, Colorado… & R. Kelly.
The Lincoln School receives this distinction for suspending a 6 year old boy for kissing a 6 year old girl… on the hand.
Now, this boy isn’t exactly an “angel”. He’s been in trouble before for rough housing, as well as… kissing a 6 year old girl.
Same one, mind you. He IS in a committed relationship, after all.
But the principal brought up the concept of sexual harassment to the mother! For a six year old.
At which point, the boy turns to his mommy and asks, “what is sex?”
I’m sorry, but from the point of view of a woman who is ever vigilant in the war against sexual advances & unwarranted touching, I have to say, “OMG! Relax!”
They will never, EVER be this innocent again. Don’t treat him like a criminal for something little kids do without motive or intent.
Basically, unless he shoved his tongue in her mouth, or threatened her position as juice monitor if she didn’t let him kiss her hand, it’s not sexual harassment!
R. Kelly, on the other hand…
Well, let’s just say he brought this on himself.
He went on his Twitter account and announced he would answer fan questions under the hashtag, #AskRKelly
He really shouldn’t a done that.
In no time at all, questions regarding his sexual proclivities came, ahem… flooding in. (I am so very sorry. Won’t happen again.)
One of my personal favorites:
Carlos Claus asked:
#AskRKelly when you were in restaurant with ur 23 year old girlfriend and people shouted paedo….did it ruin your 10th anniversary?
— Carlos Claus (@scostello101) December 12, 2013
But I believe Optimus Fine stole the show with:
— Optimus Fine (@AlphaQueer) December 12, 2013
Oh, R. Kelly, you poor, poor schmuck.
You was counting on selective amnesia, wasn’t you?
Sadly, like Pepperidge Farm, Black Twitter remembers.
(But seriously, go read them because I have not said, “OH, SNAP!” this much since ninth grade. LORD!)
In second place, Fox “News” anchor Megyn Kelly, for this little nugget of wisdom.
Had she literally said, “Rest Well, little white children of America. Santa, like Jesus, has always been and will always be white. You’re safe now. Go back to bed!” she would not have sounded any dumber than she did last night.
For the moment, let’s ignore the fact that history AND science has already theorized that historically accurate Jesus (New Testament sold separately) most likely looked more like Aziz Ansari than Owen Wilson.
Just put that aside for a second.
Let’s also get past the idea that, for some reason, she thought KIDS would be watching her show. Whatever.
I haven’t even read the original op-ed piece yet that started this mishegoss, but I can tell you I understand her frustration. I’m not sweating it much, (and I will NEVER back the notion of Santa becoming a penguin) but I get where she’s coming from.
But to say in a conspiratorial whisper to the camera, “Don’t worry, kids. The myth we’ve been feeding you is not only real, it’s still reserved for white people,” is… I have no words!!
And apparently, neither did the putz at Number One.
Who’s surprised that this guy tops my list this week?
At a ceremony, celebrating the life, love and activism of Nelson Mandela (or, if you’re Dick Cheney, canonizing a “terrorist”), a stranger got on stage, appearing to be signing the ceremony for the hearing impaired.
Yeah, he really wasn’t.
His defense? He doesn’t remember it.
I mean, he doesn’t remember doing the thing. at all. He was shown footage and does not recall it happening.
Then he claimed he was off from his normal signing, because of his schizophrenia.
Yeah, he’s not really schizophrenic.
Now, he’s declaring that the incident was a result of hallucinations and hearing voices.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am QUITE sure something is wrong with dude.
But, what I want to know is: how was the entire South African government asleep on the job when this dude walked in and stood right next to President Obama and every other leader of the world?
No credentials checked, no vetting system, no nothing. How did no one notice?!
And this guy, now identified as Thamsanqa Jantjie, was simply an affront to the entire deaf community!!
Apparently, he was part of a company contract. A company that, as of now, no one can find.
He has claimed that he has signed many times before, without incident.
Clearly, he’s forgotten all about the complaint that was filed against him by the Deaf Federation of South Africa. Last year.
I honestly don’t know who to blame on this one: the interpreter, the administration, the supposed “company,” who?!
This should have been about a man who sacrificed everything for the country he loved and the people for which he fought.
Instead, we’ve got our ears and mouths are full of… nothing but sound and fury, I suppose.
Ultimate, international FAIL. *sigh*
Good Lord, and this was just the past four days!!